The Evolution of the Monkey

A humourous challenge to the theory of evolution

Today, Professor Monkman who is head of the department of monkeyology on the island of Atlantis will receive an award for his recent discoveries on the evolution of the monkey.
It is believed the evolution of the monkey began about three million years ago. At that time a primitive creature known as the humanoid roamed the earth. This unfortunate creature suffered many weaknesses. In order to sooth his somewhat fragile mental state, this creature found it necessary to develop many devices to overcome such maladies as boredom and depression. Many hours were spent in developing and making use of items such as the transistor radio and television. Because of the weakness of the creature, it was forced to develop modes of transport to help it travel. This creature was also badly affected by the elements, so it was forced to develop clothing and housing.
Around three million years ago, a hardy group of humanoid developed which could spend a lot of time outdoors without the need of occasional doses of radio and television to keep its mental state in order. This group of humanoid also became quite hairy so that they were less reliant upon housing and clothing to keep warm.
At around 2.5 million years ago, some domestic cats grew quite large in their evolutionary development so that they resembled today’s lions. The big cats forced the more developed humanoids to spend much of their time in the trees. This group advanced in its taste for food so that it could give up the prior need to cook the food before eating. At first, some of the less developed monkeys fell out of the trees because their hands were not properly evolved for gripping branches. Professor Monkman has shown the crucial role of the early lion in the evolution of the monkey. They simply consumed the less developed monkeys, leaving the more advanced to multiply.
Around 1.3 million years back, the humanoid/monkey began to develop a more streamlined vocabulary. Unnecessary words were dropped. The first words to go were those related to electronic devices such as radio and television. At the same time a simple and yet adequately sufficient communication system developed which consists primarily of grunts and shrieks. In time, the creature became so robust, and was so adequately served by the simple communication system, that it became unnecessary to write notes. In time, all writing was completely abandoned.
Around one million years ago, the monkey developed fur over its body in place of hair. This is generally agreed to be a big improvement over its forebears who suffered much with their sensitive skin. At this stage, not only does the monkey have extra warmth, it is not bound to have its hair cut every six weeks or thereabouts. Coincidently, it is around this time - one million years back - that the weak humanoids start to die off, almost reaching extinction at around 500,000 years back. Thankfully, due to improvements in the climate, this group - our forefathers - started to recover.

Last month, Professor Monkman went to Africa to gain more evidence for the evolution of the monkey. He placed himself in a cage high up in the branches of a tree where he ate a diet of mostly bananas so as to assimilate a little with the subjects he was studying.
The professor decided on the security of a cage after the locals informed him that the monkeys and apes in the area very jealously guard their gene pool which has gone through millions of years of development, hence, they do not tolerate humans - whom they view as genetically inferior - getting too close to their colony. Professor Monkman says he was grateful for that information because he got some very nasty looks from some large gorillas when they passed him while he was up in the cage.

The professor had to cut short his stay in the cage because he came down with a severe head cold and had to be rushed to hospital. However, he had enough information to confirm the major points of his hypothesis. Coincidentally, his wife was in hospital at the same time because while he was away on research, she ate at a restaurant which had not followed correct food handling procedures and consequently came down with food poisoning.
Professor Monkman’s findings have already passed the peer review process. Just last month, he got together with several of his colleagues and they carefully studied photos of present-day humans and monkeys. It was quickly agreed that no creature more closely resembles the monkey than humans. This one fact proves beyond all reasonable doubt that the monkey evolved from the fragile prehistoric humanoid.
Because Professor Monkman’s findings are such a major breakthrough in the advancement of our understanding of the theory of evolution, he will soon be awarded a prize of ten million dollars. Despite the controversy surrounding some aspects of his findings, he plans to go on a world tour to lecture on this new understanding. His message will be adequately backed up with many drawings, diagrams and photos.

Further helpful reading is available from the main page at:

• The Beginning of Everything
• Just A Few Accidents
• The Mathematical Impossibility of the Theory of Evolution.

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Uploaded to web page on 01 March 2009.

Copyright: David Holden, January 2009

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